The Paralyzing Fear of Parenting: What Luck Has to Do With It

As I read through the latest question submitted to my advice column, I felt a sense of solidarity with an anxious parent-to-be. Their concerns about parenting’s unpredictability – from introducing sugar to navigating crowded indoor places for their infant’s fragile immune system – are all too familiar.

But what struck me most was not just the volume of decisions that need to be made or the uncertainty surrounding many choices. It’s the sense of existential dread lurking beneath the surface: the fear of failing our children, accidentally causing them harm, and being consumed by guilt if something goes wrong.

This is where “moral luck” comes in – a concept coined by philosopher Bernard Williams to describe situations where moral worth depends on factors beyond our control. Think of it as the truck driver analogy: two drivers with vastly different outcomes, yet both were simply following their own path until chance intervened. In one scenario, the driver hits a child due to circumstance rather than any deliberate action; in the other, he narrowly avoids harm through sheer luck alone.

Williams’ idea of “agent-regret” – feeling pained by an unforeseen consequence despite one’s best efforts – resonates deeply with parents-to-be like our anxious reader. They feel trapped between shielding their child from all harm and accepting that some risks are unavoidable. This can lead to a state of paralysis, as they’re torn between being overcautious or simply accepting the uncertainty of parenthood.

However, what if we reframed this conundrum? Rather than trying to micromanage every potential danger, perhaps our goal should be to live in accordance with our core values – plural, not singular. This requires recognizing the inherent tensions between competing values and making choices that align with our deepest principles.

For parents-to-be, it means embracing the uncertainty of parenthood while staying true to their own moral compass. It’s not about avoiding every possible harm but rather being present in the midst of chaos, trusting that we’ve done what we can to guide our child towards a safe and happy life.

We often forget that parenting is a high-stakes profession, with expectations emanating from every direction – social media, family members, and so on. No wonder our anxious reader feels overwhelmed – they’re trying to meet an impossible standard while navigating the unpredictable world of childcare.

Trying to prevent every possible harm can lead to moral exhaustion. We become trapped in a cycle of endless worrying, never quite feeling secure that we’ve done enough. This is where recognizing the limits of our control comes into play – acknowledging that some risks are inherent to life itself and that even with the best intentions, accidents will happen.

Parenting is not about controlling every outcome but rather living in accordance with our core values as they evolve over time. By embracing this truth, we can release ourselves from the tyranny of perfectionism and find peace in being present for our children – imperfections and all.

In the end, it’s not about avoiding moral luck but facing its consequences head-on. As parents-to-be embark on their journey into parenthood, they’d do well to remember that even when things go wrong – and they will – their worth as caregivers is not diminished by chance events. By living with values, rather than trying to control every outcome, we can find a deeper sense of peace in the midst of chaos.